Z's Grimoire

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The relationship every trans person has with their pre-transition self is unique. For some they are a stranger, an invader that needs to be ejected. To others, they’re the bully keeping us chained down. Some may even view them almost fondly, grateful their “protector” kept them safe until they were ready.

My personal experience has been a combination of these experiences and more. Although I will say there is an element of respect I have developed, especially when viewing through the lens of a temporary guardian, our relationship was toxic.

I hated his face, his facial hair, his body hair, his smell, his bones, his ego, his temper, his rashness, his impulsiveness and how hard he tried to pretend he was like any other “guy”. Yet some of these things are not just his traits, they are mine as well. I still have a temper, I can still be rash, my impulsiveness has gotten better yet I still feel compelled to pretend to be like other girls now, instead of just me.

The resentment caused by recognizing traits I so desperately wanted to assign to him within me was incredibly upsetting.

Physical dysphoria was one thing, I spent much of my life avoiding mirrors and hated having my picture taken, it was easy enough to mitigate on the days where it got too intense. When it comes to physical traits that would require surgery, those are a little harder, but knowing there is an option helps mitigate the pain spikes.

But when it hits something that is a core piece of you, when you’ve changed everything in your life but find these things just can’t be removed or changed, they scream to be recognized, honored and integrated… It really is a unique pain I do not think I could ever explain to anyone not on the gender diverse spectrum, yet to those familiar with both shadow work and toxic relationships, you can imagine.

I’ve been working a lot in private recently to address some of these issues that have exploded over the past few months, and have finally come to the point where I just needed a release of all this unspoken toxic energy.

What better ritual to separate toxic energy from a complicated relationship such as this than a cord cutting ritual?

Using a blue candle to represent my former life, pink my current and black to further protect the ritual and banish negativity, I tied hemp cords around the trio of candles.

I positioned the candles over a bed of salt, sprinkled with a protection blend of Bilberry, Coltsfoot, Eucalyptus, Hawthorn and Meadowsweet from my local witch supply store with some red rose petals added for spiritual reconciliation and a soothing self-love.

Malachite was the star crystal of this ritual for its deep emotional cleansing power. Purple Fluorite to bring peace and Sunset Sodalite to help encourage new growth from this necessary pain were also used.

A lavender incense cone and a dragon’s blood stick afterwards were used, symbolic more than anything, as on both sides these have remained favorites. (And mulberry but that seems hard to find sometimes so wasn’t included)

I reflected on the words to speak after igniting the flames, and as the cords began to burn I recited the following:

One cycle closes

Another begins

Flames to chase demons

And ignite strength within

Let rage flow freely

Embrace inner shadows

Let go of deep sorrows

Let passions burn below

This cycle has closed

Our tale is done

As a new loop begins

It begins as one.

One person, one spirit

Authentic and true

Embracing chaos

Beginning anew.

One cycle closes

Another begins

Infused with power

Washed clean of sins

As always, feel free to incorporate and change any aspect of this ritual for your own needs, and if you’d like some help or suggestions my inbox is always open.

Stay Magical