CW: gender, sex, sexuality, mental health and related/adjacent topics.
If you missed Part 1 yesterday I’d advise you to check that out first.
This is the second part of what will likely be the most personal and candid set of posts I’ve ever shared looking at the most common questions I’ve been asked as a trans woman. In this post:
- Have you had “the surgery”?
- So, are you gay?
But just like Part 1, before getting into the questions, I’ve got something I want to ramble about a bit first.
“Don’t make being trans your whole identity.”
Not a question, and, admittedly, an odd section to write on the second part of posts talking nearly exclusively about my experience as a trans woman, but hear me out.
As I wrote while talking about passing privilege in part 1, these days I’m almost exclusively perceived as a woman. I’d say I get “clocked” as a trans woman about as often as any cis woman who is tall is presumed to be trans. If I walked around every day with a trans pride flag, or a flashing neon sign “BTW: I’m Trans!” that might change, but who would actually do that?
Most trans individuals I’ve known or interacted with just want to feel comfortable in their body and to be perceived as their gender by others (or just generally be left alone). They don’t want to, nor do they, scream “I’M TRANS” everywhere they go; they want to blend in and go about their day like anyone else. Admittedly, Pride celebrations and Trans Day of Visibility are obvious exceptions, though I know many who do not participate in either.
In fact, this year for Trans Day of Visibility (tomorrow/March 31st), I don’t think I’ll be doing anything beyond these posts going out in advance. In previous years, I’ve at least painted my nails blue, pink and white.
Society tends to make being trans more of our identity than we do ourselves.
But if I were to define myself, I’m a father, a writer, a chaotic crafter, a witch, a musician, a singer, an actress, a hopeless romantic, an animal lover, a queen of sarcasm, and overall a pretty large goofball. I love classic animation, Broadway musicals, good food, exploring nature, and cuddling on the couch with my pups and a good book or video game.
Those are some of the things that I’d say make up my identity.
Trans, autistic, ADHD, clinically depressed with a severe case of generalized anxiety disorder, sprinkled with PTSD and CPTSD, sexual assault and suicide survivor… These are labels and diagnoses that define specific aspects of my experience.
They are a part of me, sure, but they are not my identity.
I speak openly about being trans, as well as my experiences with Autism, ADHD and some other parts of my life to shed light on topics others may not know much about, or to be visible for someone trying to better understand aspects of their own experience.
I don’t necessarily want to shine the spotlight on these aspects of myself, but I recognize how much it has helped me to see or read the experiences of others. I don’t know if I’d attribute it to a sense of obligation or simply the evolution of my gratitude to others, but writing about my own experience is something I can do, sharing it feels like something I should do, and so I am happy to do so when and where I can.
And until I can’t or, goddess forbid, it becomes too unsafe to do so, I plan to continue.
Have you had “the surgery”?
What surgery? Facial feminization? Breast augmentation? Tracheal shave? Hair transplants? Hair removal? Brazilian butt lift or other such body contouring? Orchiectomy?
“No, you know, the surgery!”
Oh, right, of course, the only thing a lot of people seem to think about when trans individuals are brought up: other people’s genitals. We’ll use “Bottom surgery” as an umbrella term, given there are many different surgeries trans individuals may pursue to relieve dysphoria related to genitals.
Short answer: no.
Longer tongue-in-cheek answer: Not yet, I haven’t managed to find that clinic bigots talk about all the time that is offering it for free to anyone they can get their hands on!
Disgrunteled answer: No, but you should know bottom surgery is an incredibly personal choice and does not dictate a person’s gender. If a trans person doesn’t want bottom surgery, they are 100% perfectly valid in their identity.
Honest (long) answer:
When I began my transition, my feelings towards bottom surgery were incredibly complicated. I had had a very minor surgery more than a decade prior that was an insanely traumatic experience (botched in such a way that I lost a job, was in so much pain during recovery and was scared away from even basic medical care for years. Not to mention being isolated without support in the VERY extended recovery period). Bottom surgery was something I wanted, but also seemed like something I would never seriously consider pursuing, and that mentality weighed on me for quite a while as I felt, “Am I really trans if I don’t want bottom surgery?”
Internalized/societal transphobia from the 90s on full display, folks!
Eventually, a few months before I began Hormone replacement therapy, I expressed to my therapist that at this point my feelings boiled down to “I would be forcing myself to get bottom surgery to fit someone else’s definition of what a woman is.” So the idea was placed squarely on the back burner while I focused on other priorities.
Today? A few years into my transition, and past medical traumas processed… well, as I’ve expressed to many in my life, if I could wave a magic wand and have the surgery performed and recovery period over, I would do it in a heartbeat. But since that magical version of a vaginoplasty (the particular surgery I’d be interested in) isn’t exactly possible in this wonderful plane of existence we call reality, I have to weigh several factors.
The cost: not just the surgery but all of the pre and post-op appointments, the travel, the lodging, especially the lodging during:
The recovery: post bottom surgery, you’re bedridden for weeks, typically needing to stay within the city where the surgery was performed as a precaution for complications until medically cleared, which can be a couple of weeks to over a month. You really only get up to use the bathroom. Your activity beyond that remains limited for months, meaning you typically need someone there to help with just about everything. But you also need the privacy to perform the incredibly necessary dilating (assuming the elected procedure was a vaginoplasty).
The risk: no surgery is without risk, and bottom surgery is certainly no different. One of the worst-case scenarios though, you could be left with permanent disability or dysfunction of your nether regions. I won’t list out all the concerns here, but I will say the risk factor is directly weighted to:
The dysphoria question: I’m not overly distressed with the equipment I have, at least not anymore. Maybe it’s a type of Stockholm syndrome, as it does cause me discomfort, I wish it wasn’t there, but I’ve also spent over thirty rotations around the sun with it attached, and if I’m honest, most days I notice it as much as I do my tailbone… Aka not at all unless it’s hit just right.
My prior horrible experience with a very minor surgery almost certainly is skewing parts of the equation, but when the cost, recovery, and associated risks are weighed against the discomfort I feel on an average day, well, I think that explains why I’d wave a wand if I could. But otherwise, until the variables in the equation change, it remains a “want, but not in the cards currently” scenario.
Though if I’m 100% honest, cost (for the procedure, travel and recovery lodging/assistance) is probably the heaviest factor on the scale. Given I’ve recently had to choose between getting medicine or getting food, the cost puts bottom surgery entirely out of the realm of possibility currently.
If I somehow hit the lottery (that I don’t play), after paying off my house and other debts, there’s no doubt in my mind the first call I made would be to schedule a consultation to get the process started.
It is something I want for myself, but right now, there are too many other concerns and obligations to justify pursuing it.
So, are you gay?
Why yes, I am much happier now that I’ve accepted I’m trans, thanks for asking!
Joking aside…
Trans relates to gender identity, gay to sexuality. Two distinct topics.
Or more aptly put:
Sexuality and gender?
Two different things.
Combined in many different ways.
If you mismatch your socks, you understand.
As far as being gay? Well, if you really want to know about my sexuality, I’m somewhere in the Graysexual/demisexual part of the ace spectrum. Before accepting my gender identity, I assumed I was a straight man as I’d only ever been attracted to women. In the early stages of my transition, I called myself a lesbian for the same reason.
Despite the jokes and memes, though, to me the most attractive quality was indeed personality, or at least the person themselves, not any physical characteristic. I also have to be emotionally attracted before any type of physical attraction arises.
About 15 years ago, I went on a “date” with a trans man who was not publicly out and was still presenting female. I was just out of highschool where I’d completed my capstone project on female impersonation/drag (obligatory “there were no signs”) and had started a job where they were my mentor. When I shared my experience with drag, and shared some photos from recent performances, they opened up about their gender identity and asked if I’d be interested in going out on a dinner date together (as friends) with me in drag and him presenting male.
The happy feelings (gender euphoria) when the waitress at Olive Garden sincerely referred to me as a lady realllllllly should have clued me in to my own gender identity more, but I digress.
While we were getting ready, the topic of sexuality came up. He shared that he was pansexual (attracted to people regardless of sex or gender), but was attracted to people based more on their face than any other feature. I replied that I didn’t really know or understand my own sexuality. I’d only been in relationships with women, and while I generally seemed attracted to them, I’d always felt more attracted to the person than any physical feature. I forget exactly what prompted it, but I remarked something along the lines of:
“I’ve never experienced attraction to a man, but I also wouldn’t be opposed to a relationship with one if I found them attractive as a person.”
Flash back to the present, there have been exactly two men I’ve caught feelings for, though a relationship never developed, I was attracted to them as a person and would have been open to one. There have also been a few non-binary, agender and genderfluid individuals I’ve caught feelings for, again always because I was attracted to them as a person. But of all of the people I’ve felt this personal attraction to, there has only ever been two that also caused any level of sexual attraction/desire beyond hugs, kisses and cuddles.
There’s a movie I remember seeing a very long time ago. Can’t remember the name, and so will be paraphrasing, but there is a scene where a woman shares with another character that in the country she is from, it costs significantly more to kiss a prostitute than to have sex with one. A kiss is significantly more intimate and thus justifies the increased price.
Although I’d never consider paying for either, given I need an emotional bond before having any interest in anything physical, I certainly resonate with the sentiment. For me, kissing/making out is something I’ve desired in all of my romantic relationships, whereas a desire for sex has only arisen in two.
Well, demisexuals typically only experience attraction or sexual feelings after an emotional relationship has developed. Graysexuals have a more fluid experience in which sexual attraction can be infrequent or require specific conditions to develop. It could be a very weak feeling or just about anything else in the “gray” area between asexual (experiencing no sexual attraction/desire) and allosexual (readily experiencing sexual attraction/desire). Sexuality is a spectrum after all. While I’m not averse to having sex with a romantic partner, it is not something that feels like a need or necessity in a relationship, and is CERTAINLY not something I’d pursue casually.
I’m still admittedly figuring out where exactly on the asexual spectrum I sit. Although I’m in no rush to grab a label and place myself in a box, it is useful to have the right terms to relate your personal experience to others.
So given the experience I have thus far, I’m demi or gray, not straight nor gay.
Fin
If you’ve made it through both part 1 and now part 2, I really appreciate your time. This began as a single post I was working on in September of last year. Once the read time had crested 20 minutes, I decided to split it into two and told myself I wouldn’t post anything else until they were finished.
While I slightly regret that stubbornness, given how long this took to come out, I’m glad to finally have it live.
As I mentioned at the end of part 1, I plan to return to posting primarily what I did in the early days of this blog: Tarot-crafted blessings and spells, as sharing and spreading that energy is something I’ve really missed doing. I’ll also be sharing some “Musical Moments” as inspired, but in general, I plan to get back to focusing on the witchy side of things for my future postings.
I thank you once again for making it through these incredibly personal posts.
These posts mean quite a lot to me, as I’ve shared many times in the past, and as I try to constantly remind myself: “If it means something to you, it is meaningful”. While I hope these posts were helpful or insightful to others in some way, in the end, I feel simply sharing them, adding my voice to the collective experience of trans individuals online, was more important than any tangible impact.
After all, there are many ways to be visible for International Trans Day of Visibility.
Until next time, stay Magickal
Z's Grimoire 
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