A little under a year ago I posted a reflection on “Plowshare Prayer” by Spencer Lajoye-if you haven’t yet read it, or need a refresher id encourage you to read it before this post.
This post will be a reflection on my journey and the song since the prior post.
The first time I heard this song, things were not great in my world. Nor were they the second, third, fourth or frankly any subsequent time. Though the needle has moved off of “okay” the thought of reaching “happy” or “thriving” has been all but banished. If I were to name where the needle has rested for much of the year, I’d call it “contently living” an improved form of “existing” but still far from my goal of “thriving”.
The darkness of the past, the pain and suffering that had been slowly tearing me down has mostly been processed and left where it belongs. The few lingering echoes have been identified, named and are being addressed similarly, yet the darkness of the world has only grown.
I’m no longer sad or confused. I am still stuck, but refuse to let myself be abused. I’m still broke, feeling at the end of my rope but no longer alone. And while I recognize I’m less jaded, I’m also less defiant, and more quiet- and that silence can sometimes be deafening. Recognizing I’ve lost a large part of the fire that I used to consider “me”, trying to rekindle the flame has only made me realize just how diminished it’s become.
Yet the biggest changes I recognize, and therefore the prompting of this updated reflection, are my views of the second verse.
“I pray that if you go all day being brave
That you can go home, go to bed
Feeling safe”
As I wrote on the previous post:
“The brave face I projected for the entirety of my adult life and much of my childhood became so much harder to hold when I started to resist the mold and the safety I once felt was slipping away.”
I’ve accepted and embraced my position of mold breaker, but the new brave face I wear has become equally hard to project after a year of harsh adversity. So these lines remain mine, now and for the foreseeable future.
But the rest of the prayers I’d previously resonated with? They are what I offer to both those within and outside my chosen circle. Primarily though, if I’m honest, I offer them to those outside, as those within already receive as much support as I can conjure, as much love as I can manifest and know they never need to shy away from sharing their shadows with me.
To those outside however, whether declining to enter the circle or having acted in such a way to be barred admittance:
“I pray that your body gets all that it needs
And if you don’t want healing
I just pray for peace
I pray that your burden gets lighter each day
I pray the mean voice in your head goes away
I pray that you honor the grief as it comes
I pray you can feel all the life in your lungs
…
I pray you’re forgiven. I pray you forgive
I pray you set boundaries & openly live
…
I pray that you’re heard”
Yes a few lines of prayer beyond the ones claimed for myself were removed, for completion and discussion’s sake I’ll list them here:
“I pray that you feel you are worth never leaving
I pray that you know I will always believe you”
I’d offer these lines to some, but there are many more I’ve encountered in my life who needed to be left, and who could not, nay, should not be believed. Though I would hope these individuals will someday be worthy of these lines, I cannot in good conscience offer these sentiments freely, at least not yet.
But no matter who you are, what you’ve done or the pain you’ve caused me:
I pray you learn to set boundaries and to live and love fully as I continue to do the same. I’ve forgiven you (and to an extent, myself), and pray you can forgive yourself, as well as forgive those who’ve trespassed against you, someday. I pray you do not take life for granted, for as long as you draw breath you are a part of our shared reality, even if we occupy and influence very different aspects of it- our similarities will always outweigh our differences.
I pray you feel and process any grief or suffering the world sends your way. I pray you do not drown beneath the mean voices, whether in your head or from another’s mouth. I pray your burden is eased, whether through healing, increased strength, community or any mixture of measures.
I pray for peace. Inner peace first and foremost, though global peace as well- unyielding conflict only manifests more conflict. If you are ready for healing, I pray you can, and that you have all love and support you need and deserve during and after.
Now to quote an entirely different song:
“And I pray
That never used to happen before”
It’s Quiet Uptown – Hamilton
I may or may not have a few Hamilton adjacent projects in the works (thanks xxkatisacatxx (Twitch) for the addiction introduction), but this song in particular is one of the more personal and emotionally raw for me. These lines in particular, as, given what I wrote about prayer in my first post about LaJoye’s song, faith and I have a complicated history, and the thought of placing any belief in “prayers” has always made me uncomfortable.
And yet… these days I offer prayers more than I’d ever imagined possible.
I do not prayer to any deity, nor to the Gods or Goddesses I’ve come to view as a pantheon of aunts and uncles there to support and guide my journey. But I pray for humanity, for people, for the world. I pray the words I offer in silence may somehow resonate with the world’s energy the same way I believe my witchy endeavors do.
I pray we can all live without fear of the sword, and in that way, I suppose I have found a way to embrace the faith I believed to be the root of “Plowshare Prayer” last year: Faith in people, faith in self, faith in recovery, healing and peace.
maybe in another year I’ll revist once again and reflect on the third and final verse of this incredible song, but for today- I think I’ve rambled long enough.
Stay Magickal
Z's Grimoire 
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