Z's Grimoire

Subtitle: Doing everything yet nothing

Do you remember a while ago when I was proclaiming how magical music was and how envious I was of certain artists and how they could capture so much power into a single song?

Well, while I certainly have not created anything I’d place on a similar level, I have finally begun an earnest exploration into music production.

The first song I ever wrote down was drafted in the late 90s. I was in fourth grade, given a simple C instrument and encouraged to write a simple melody. I ended up writing a piece for four instruments, with four movements, each modeled after the emotions certain weather patterns could trigger. It was incredibly simple, no complex harmonies and no real understanding of how to use a countermelody correctly (didn’t stop me from trying), but it was an incredible first attempt at composing an original piece, especially for a kid with no training beyond public school music/band class.

So why did I never compose a second?

Well, school never asked me to make another composition, music was not a career my family would support, so the joy of the experience became a one off memory. No need to pursue a second.

So why did I never compose a second?

Was it because I didn’t believe anyone would care about it, and if no one cared, why bother? Was it lacking a need, an ask, a purpose to justify the effort? Was it because I believed I’d never produce anything meaningful?

Excuse me while I hammer myself with my own words yet again:

“If it’s means something to you, it is meaningful”

I did recently compose a second, and a third, and a fourth and more!

Actually I began creating lots of sounds, even a few you might call songs! Not to share with others of course, but just little demos to show to myself I COULD do this, I would enjoy it, it was worth my time and effort.

But soon I fell into the exact same trap as my writing, my crafting, my life: I was doing it and enjoying myself but no one had told me it was okay to create music, no one had given permission for me to find joy. So the doubts began to worm their way in:

“Nothing you make could ever be worth listening to”

“No one wants to hear these demos”

“Why are you wasting time on yet another failed passion”

“You’re a poor witch, a horrible artist, an awful writer and an absolute waste of space. Stop making noise. Give up and go back into your box.”

Well that is until a friend popped in with a request. They recently hit affiliate status on Twitch, and were starting to get frustrated with copyright strikes/royalty issues so they asked if i would consider creating some backing tracks.

We discussed what they needed/wanted, what they were expecting and when, and I began what felt like my first proper music production gig. A set of Lo-Fi beats and melodic loops to fill the silence.

A few weeks later, I’d delivered the final track list, merged all but one track into a single looping (and volume balanced) file and sent off the first volume of stream beats in addition to a “stream starting/ending/break” song lovingly titled “Cosmic Meows” *snickers as I recall the meow sample used for that track*

Hearing my music playing on their stream. It’s surreal. Those are MY songs! My music is being used as a backdrop for someone else’s work! It really was/is a dream like feeling! Hearing praise from my streamer friend as well as some of thier viewers who are loving having some background jams- Not only was it something meaningful to me, it was something that is being appreciated by others!

So why haven’t I compiled stream beats volume 2, revisited any of my many demos to polish and release, attempt to make something new or even just take the tracks I’d provided to my streamer friend and make them available elsewhere for anyone who’d like to stream?

I was creating and enjoying myself, but I’d only been given permission to share my music, not to find joy in it. So the doubts began to worm their way in once more.

Obviously I’m writing about this now because I’m pissed off at myself for this cycle that has held me back every time I find something that brings me joy.

And this time, I intend to break it.

I’m not sure just how yet, deadlines don’t work if there are no consequences, and any “accountability” system i can think of depends on either me holding myself to task (ADHD enjoyers know we do not get to choose when our hyper fixation creative chaos takes hold), or hiring help- which just isn’t in the cards right now.

But sitting in a pool of “well there’s nothing I can do to change it unless/until…” is how creativity drowns. It’s how I almost drowned before waking up.

So, the project I sincerely hope will be released within November: My Tarot magic is being merged with my music. A mix of mindful recitations set over a backing beat as well as some singing/vocals. It will very much be an experimental and eclectic batch…

From the first time I wrote about music, I expressed what I felt in my spirit. I don’t want to write about and react to music, at least not exclusively. I want to create music. I want to broadcast my experience, my words, my magic in a way that resonates with me.

And I need to trust that what is meaningful to me is meaningful, and the resonance of authenticity will only help me continue learning, growing and evolving to not what the world makes me feel I must be, but to who I have always wanted to be.

Me. Myself. “Just Z”.

If you’re looking for a small streamer to support and enjoy neurospicy chaotic gaming I encourage you to check out/follow xxkatisacatxx solo minecraft, stardew or similar as well as REPO, Phasmo and other group games when thier friends join in; their streams are always an enjoyable time. If you stop by you might even see me in the chat or hear my beats playing in the background!

If you’re looking for an eclectic artist, writer, witch and aspiring music producer hoping to finally become that wandering minstral instead of just a wannabe…. Well, uh hi! Links are in the footer ❤

Stay Magickal