Z's Grimoire

“I’m not lonely, just a bit tired of this f-king shit
Nothing that I write can make me feel good” – SugarCrash! ElyOtto

Why bother writing when what I write is meaningless? Why bother posting what I write if there is no meaning within? What have I written that I could point to having made any impact worth noting? Why even call myself a writer?

And why stop there? Why keep practicing witchcraft if my magic can never manifest enough good to outweigh evil? Why record the words heard in the corners of my mind while deep in ritual or performing a reading? Why continue my solitary practice if my intention is to help others? Why even call myself a witch?

Because as I wrote so long ago now….

“If it means something to you, it is meaningful.”

If I took the time to write it down, it is meaningful. If I took the time to prepare and perform a ritual, it is meaningful. And those moments of meaning have real results.

I don’t even have to look far back to see the impact.

Back in March when I wrote about my intent to find a local theater group, and also about the lovely experience of my car breaking down, I knew in my heart a theater troupe was exactly the found/chosen family I needed to find and connect with in order to end the listlessness and truly reconnect with me.

Well, a large part of my recent hiatus was triggered when an old friend reached out asking if I still was acting at all, as they were directing a show and had a role they couldn’t fill.

Enter Holofernes in Shakespeare’s Love’s Labour’s Lost. As well as Judas (the play with in a play) and Ver (Spring)

It was my first public performance in 15 years. It was my first time singing in public since high school, and it also reignited the fires of my true self from the ashes I long thought were lost to the wind.

But more on that later.

---

Another more distant example? Back in my Witchy 101 series when I talked about using visualization to aid in setting intention. I spoke of a scenario to attract love, not just a relationship.

While the hair behind the ear trick was not played, more recently I did attract love and got to experience a world of romance I’d always yearned to feel yet refused to believe existed.

As with all things in magic, it didn’t play out exactly as expected. But it still was a truly marvelous thing to experience in reality and the connection undeniable, even if coincedental.

---

But all of that is only self serving for me, it doesn’t help anyone!

Well except for some of my new found family, as deep ties have already emerged and/or formed with several members. The talented individual who arranged the version of “Spring” I sang? Not only did I learn they live less than a mile away from me, I SAW the joy on their face when they complimented my performance. I also saw the joy we brought to our audiences at each show.

Alright well now it’s just me feeding my ego and making it sound like I’ve made some grand impact, it’s not worth sharing! Just local theater in the middle of nowhere. Worthless.

“If it means something to you, it is meaningful.”

When I started this blog and my general online presence, I had no grand dreams, no delusions of grandeur, no belief this effort would result in anything miraculous.

Only the hope that something that I shared, be it in a tarot card driven spell, rituals performed in the darkest shadows in order to distill potent light, a fictional retelling or straight fiction or even just raw vulnerability may help someone else, bring a smile to their face, or just grant them a reprieve from whatever shadows might be surrounding them. It might lead to something good.

I knew if a single person got any benefit the entire effort would be worth it. Even the failures.

Well, I’m a sentimental gal, so you can bet those few private messages, the handful of grateful comments and other kind correspondence I’ve received were all archived in a special folder.

Sentimental? Or did I know I’d need the reminder?

Reviewing that folder in preparing my return? I may not be booking Ted Talks anytime soon, but I’ve already touched more souls than I’d ever hoped to when I started out.

So I can’t stop now. I won’t stop now.

When once cycle ends, another begins. The Fool’s Journey never truly ends.

---

Lets go back to the acting thing.

I may not be headed to Broadway anytime soon, and may never leave the local scene as far as the stage goes, but I’ve already booked my next performance! It’s a murder mystery dinner where I will be playing a photographer for the local newspaper, trapped in her partner’s shadow and anxious for a chance to be something more and make a bigger impact. She also falls in love.

Given many of my recent troubles, struggles and miscelanious experiences, I have been LOVING learning and becoming this character.

My experience through Love’s Labor’s Lost truly deserves it’s own post, as walking around on the stage after our final dress rehearsal before opening night. Well I really cannot describe it as anything short of magical. So here’s a quick summary:

Curtains were closed, lights were off and only one or two voices were still audible. I took a few deep breaths then walked with soft steps across the stage, feeling all of my prior characters walk with me. A step or two as Paris, another as Delacroix, resuming the pompous gate of Holofernes before shifting into that smug self satisfied Spy Walter Mitty sending the German troops marching away. Dancing across the stage I felt more fluid than I had in as long as I could remember.

At least Fifteen Years.

Hugo Peabody in Bye Bye Birdie (as well as Harvey Johnson/The entire Boy’s Chorus – That’s another fun story) was my last role, fresh out of high school with a local group. Why did I stop? *Shrugs* Was it because I went to college being told “don’t do theater, theater won’t pay the bills”, nah I never did it for the money. Was it because “what will people think?” nah theater people are (generally) good people. Was it because of something ELSE totally unrelated that had been a persistent force on my life for the past two decades but as of last year kinda went away?

Not going to say yes, but going to say, it feels incredible to allow myself to be free to be myself at last.

The creative crafting and general creative chaos that I occupy myself with has been incredibly fulfilling, but the most enjoyable projects? When I’d take on a character to perform. Or craft something to support a character.

Now that I’ve rambled long enough, allow me to “bring it all home”

---

This blog is going to undergo yet another metamorphosis. I plan to transition to an either weekly or biweekly general update blog format where I’ll ramble about whatever musings or moments feel meaningful. (may go to a roughly full moon/newmoon schedule, or set weekly days, may try a few different cadences)

I have a few tales and a few “hey I wanna talk about this” items I plan to share soonish. So the “as inspired” pieces will come as they come. I also have an exciting plan for my tarot magic, more on that soon though. Maybe it’ll be the focus of the next update.

But the majority of my creative time is going to be allocated to acting adjacent endevors.

I’ve been working on developing a few original characters, practicing as a few “common” characters, I’ve been playing around with some scripting and formatting. While it may be a bit before I have a solid polished product to start producing, I’m learning so much both in skills and about myself through this process.

I’m also working on converting a lot of what I’ve written here to a audio format spoken by yours truly (as a common feedback is “Is it in an audio format?” and I mean I’ve taken contract voice acting work, I think I can read my own crap).

I’m also broke af, working full time, while participating with my local troupe, loving my absolutely wonderful child, and living in an escalating state of wondering when to expect the nice young men in their pressed brown shirts to knock on my door, so you know, temper your expectations for me going forward with all that in mind.

If you’re a Canadian acting troupe looking for a lovely witch happy to play any character of any gender, or hockey team in need of a data analyst, uh, lets talk? (Much less joking than the last time I made this joke, but I guess still kinda joking? Right?)

Stay Magickal ❤