Oops… As the Full moon approaches, here is a very late new moon update that was primarily written in the eve of the new moon…. But I had to get past my reservations to share.
CW: trauma, cptsd, ptsd
“Hang on a second… yup… *wretch* I… sorry… it *wretch* I was worried about this…” -Unfortunately me recently
Why was I sorry? Well because healing isn’t always pretty, and in my experience when I’m not pretty I better apologize as fast as possible.
To paraphrase my idol Stephen Page, sorry has been said so many times it hasn’t meant a thing to me in years.
And yet I was so sincerely sorry that being shown compassion while expressing one of my more sensitive vulnerabilities caused me to begin to wretch and dry heave. Rather an embarrassing thing to suddenly happen in public if I must admit, yet here I am sharing it on my blog for all to see. (at least all twelve people that read it)
Why?
Because if everyone had acted the way my new friend did, the world would be so much of a better place. They have already changed how I see and act in the world and I hope to inspire others to follow their example.
First they asked if they needed to call 911.
Since I knew exactly what was happening (yay trauma response), but couldn’t speak (… yay trauma response?), I held out my hand and shook it to signal no.
Noticing my focus was on continuing to wretch not protecting my hair which had started to make it’s way into the splash zone, they asked if they could pull it back.
The respect for my hard boundary on consent for touch was appreciated, but this is one time I may have actually allowed an exception. I nodded as they pulled my curls away from my face.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t need me to call anyone?”
The adrenaline fueled flight or flight rush finally fully fading, knowing they’d understand me pausing a few more breaths before replying I held out just my index finger asking just a moments more patience.
Finally catching my breath, finally fully coming out of the panic induced trance, feeling surprisingly better than I’d ever imagined I could have given what had just transpired, I once again offered my sincerest apologies.
“I’m so sorry. I really am, I’m sorry, I worried that might happened, it wasn’t because of anything you did. I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing? Are you okay? What can I do, what do you need?”
The amount of healing from this mortifying exchange makes the shame worth sharing.
Just a short time later I’m realizing how much I’ve always apologized for others comfort. I’ve apologized for being misheard, misunderstood, misguided. I’ve apologized for being horrendously hurt and horribly hated.
I’ve apologized for trying to be the best me I could be.
Jaded would be the simplest way to describe my mentality until just recently. Bitter, spiteful ready to draw a circle, summon a demon and just let them wreck s&!t up. Yet this one tender moment of compassion in an unplanned moment of weakness…
Well, not to go on a tangent, but I got my car back, then I got a role in a play with a local group of misfits, and now, I’ve finally began to heal not just myself, but with myself and others. If you’ve been here since the start, the later items are ones I’ve wanted since before my car broke down. Now like dominos they’ve tumbled one by one in the most unlikely series of events.
“In seeking to heal others, I ended up healing myself”
Corny cheesy line, but it really does describe this situation more accurately than it should. By allowing myself to heal, raw and unfiltered, with someone I would tell to do exactly the same. Someone I hoped to help through a segment of their journey that was familiar to my own.
By allowing myself to experience the grace I extended to others without expectations or frankly asking…
Sorry I’m not sorry that my writing here is going to slow down as I become more actively locally engaged in addition to testing a few other mediums for sharing different messages that need to be hear.
But you can always reach out here or through instagram if you need any of my witchy services.
The journey is at last beginning, my energy finally attuned and my intention sharper than ever before.
Stay Magical
Z's Grimoire 