Z's Grimoire

At least one did last week.

Worm Moon’s blessings to you dear reader.

This was supposed to be posted Saturday, but I decided to sit on my full moon mediations a little longer.

Then, a fresh batch of chaos erupted on Sunday, followed by a terror on Monday, leading to the cataclysm that was Tuesday. As I rewrite this intro for the final time, and make some substantial final edits… It is still Tuesday, though I already know I won’t be posting tonight. I’ll be working until I pass out, and will get it across the finish line tomorrow.

Igniting Intentions:

Community. I recently realized I was unnecessarily cloistering myself from potential allies based almost solely on the same root reason so many consider me and others like me the most evil boogeyman.

“They’re different from us
Which means they can’t be trusted” – Savages – Pocahontas

It’s a crude way to describe it, but frankly better reflects my thinking than the “Landlords, lovers, your own blood cells betray” from RENT. Though both feelings are the same. Suffering betrayal after betrayal it became impossible for me to trust anyone I didn’t already know or detect a ‘queer connection’ with. Yet in the past, some of my most steadfast friends are not queer.

In fact, the friend who has undoubtedly helped me the most through my transition by being present and listening to my experience with empathy and genuine interest. Was straight and cis (also a massive hockey fan, that didn’t hurt either). Looking to build more community, I can’t only look for people “like me” as true diversity, which includes ALL walks, is where true strength can be unlocked. So I’ll be spending some dedicated spell time to help open myself up to these new connections once more.

Card of the Moon:

Three of Cups

My latest stalker. Ironically starting when I cried out in frustration that I needed a distraction from the pain I was feeling, drew the Three of Cups, found the mocking of my isolation in the dancing figures and lamented the lack of space or time for me to forget my worries.

Time with family and ‘friends’ these days is hardly a time free of worry, and often I leave even the most basic of exchanges diminished. I craved a connection or even just understanding, I tried to share the joy and gratitude I could conjure, yet there was no understanding. There was no connection.

Where there was connection though, was when I danced without a care. When I sang loudly and proudly. When my latest chaotic creation came out exactly as envisioned. When I tried polish and perform my previously perfected rendition of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde’s Confrontation. When my daughter gives me a hug and tells me she loves me.

I know that last one is unlike the others, but her love and support truly keep me going some days.

Reigniting my love of theater while the Three of Cups continued to stalk helped me remember my prior days as an actor. The ‘fun’ of “Hell week”, spending stressful time with your temporary theater family, working towards a shared goal. The desires I’ve felt growing to be an actress.

I suppose it is ironic, but what I loved so much about acting was the freedom found in adopting the identity of a new character. Still me, but presently someone different. A different me? Or a universe where “me” does not exist?

A space to forget my troubles and assume the burdens of another’s for a time to tell a story and entertain. Creating living evanescent art. Bringing joy (and a multitude of other emotions depending on the show). All while surrounded by a community of thespians, stagehands, the pit band and more. All making the time to be together to work on something they’re passionate about.

In other words, I’m starting to look for a local group to get involved with again that will fit with my current chaotic life’s schedule (and identity) and have been brushing up my skills in the interim. On the hunt for found family, it helps to have a shared passion, and there is a reason I have the Comedy and Tragedy masks tattooed on my shoulder.

Tarot Tale:

Ever had a spread that was both a answer to the present and a vision of the future?

I wrote about this spread while in the present, and the future arrived before I finished this post, and with how on the nose it was… Well, I had to try and make it all full circle in this one update.

Death x The Hanged Man x Three of Cups

Stuck in a rut, looking for a new path, my footsteps had grown maddeningly cautious. Maybe rejection sensitivity, maybe trauma, maybe the world going to hell, all of the paths I would find I dared not travel down alone for fear of the monsters that may be lurking.

I’ve (mostly) completed my transformation. Aside from a couple more major things that may never come to be due to a number of factors, I finally feel comfortable and confident in my skin. Seeing myself in the mirror, hearing myself clearly at last, feeling full of life and gratitude. It is truly magical.

And yet as the old version of me died, the new version of me struggled.

But this was my path. This was me. I did not chose to be trans, but I did chose to not hide that piece of me. I positioned myself here, aware of the pain, the sacrifice needed, in order to be a part of the brighter world I want my daughter and all people to grow and live in.

And yet suspended with my unique perspective, waiting for opportunity began to feel like occupying a jailcell.

I yearned for a sense of community, but having failed to find one on my own, in order to not lose all hope, I simply withdrew and shut down, hoping maybe some day what I sought would find me. Well it did not fully find me, yet, but on March 18th the universe knew I was ready, and forced my hand.

My car broke down. Driving home, about 6 miles from my house going up a hill hitting the gas, the engine struggled, a low rattle, and then…. Smoke from under the hood. Pulling over, careful not to pull to far over into the ditch, I came to a stop, threw on my hazards and took a few deep breaths to hold off the panic attack.

A truck that had been behind me circled around, and quickly let me know that they saw what they believed was oil dripping, and fearing a fire urged me to get out of the car and asked if I needed any assistance. He called 911 while I got the few things I could not lose out of my car, he dealt with the fire department when they arrived while I broke down crying sitting on a rock a few feet away.

“We have to look out for each other” was what he repeated over and over to me each time I thanked him.

He was not the only stranger to come to my aid however, there was a house a short distance from where I’d broken down, within their line of sight, one of the occupants soon came out to ask if I was okay. His wife soon joined him, and… Well, the full story may be a future new moon update, but despite the awful situation, it was the space I needed to be in.

The short version is, we called for a tow, they brought me inside, the tow took hours to arrive, and over that time I was treated with more compassion than I’d experienced in the past year. By total strangers who knew nothing of me, nor I of them, at least initially, but having reached a breaking point, being ‘forced’ to rely on the kindness of strangers, I found myself granted a reprieve from my worries. I found genuine care for my well-being. And even in darkness, I felt a much needed spark reignite deep within me.

Witchy Biz Updates:

Blog Updates: Redesign is finished, as much as I loved the pink/purple gradient OG design, of the initial color palettes I chose, the Navy/Gold has become my clear favorite, and I think the darker base shade is easier on the eyes. Overall it just feels more classy and polished. Navigation menu and pages were adjusted and culled as well to better reflect my ongoing plans.

Crafting Update: I haven’t really decided where/if I’ll continue to share outside of this lunar update and the occasional Instagram photo. Life being crazy as it is, the multiple fires burning personally, professionally and globally, finding the time to structure and share crafting updates is just not a priority right now. I’m still loving my resin crafts and I’m starting to get better with more complicated pieces (“Fungi Borealis” posted to insta recently). I’ve been expanding my painting from just watercolors to acrylic (and some tempera paint when my favorite little helper assists) and also starting to work on less abstract paintings. Though I confess I really enjoy the almost trance like state my abstract paintings can bring me. If you want to request something reach out, otherwise my plans continue to be to focus on selling locally.

Print on Demand: Store remains open if you’re interested in any of my Stay Safe, Stay Magic(k)al, Stay spiteful pride designs https://shywitchz.printify.me/ plan for proceeds from this shop continue to be to get the equipment to produce these designs and more entirely inhouse.

Other Socials: Instagram the Burning Blessings series is getting a bit of a remix. Same format as before, lots more of the same types of blessings I’ve been sharing, but adding some longer blessings/magic to the mix. First edition of this remix is coming soon (Maybe later today/tomorrow?), the first example of what will be different will be up to chance of drawing one of the new scraps.

Closing Comments:

Why did I name this segment Closing thoughts previously? I love me some alteration and comments makes perfect sense.

Things in my world continue to evolve in the direction they need to. Good, bad, life moves forward and the journey continues to lead me where I need to go. Getting my car out of the shop is just going to be the next leg of the journey…

The pain that comes along with this journey hurts as much as it ever did, possibly more, and yet… I no longer walk with a limp, I’m strong enough to shoulder this and so much more.

“Trust the activation, follow your instinct, enjoy the journey and embrace your power.” A Witch Named Z

I don’t think I really understood these words when I first wrote them before adopting my “Shy Witch” moniker, but as they’ve increasingly burned on the edges of my consciousness of late, understanding has at last arrived.

They are the explanation to the odd sensation I expressed in the post script on my last full moon update. Despite the pain, despite the darkness, the reason I feel like I’m thriving is because I am. Because after years of trusting the activation and following my instinct, I’ve finally allowed myself the freedom to enjoy my journey, and truly embrace the depths of my power.

Which is a wonderful sensation to experience.

Till next time,

Stay Magical.