Z's Grimoire

“Visibility is the key, to break the shackles of tyranny”

Welcome to the first of my new moon updates, working title was Visibly Void because I love alliteration and while I had not intended to keep it, events of the past week have led me to adopt it after all.

I intend to use these mostly monthly segments to be more “visible” and less metaphorical, to share some of the unique perspectives of this oddball trans witch. Unfortunately I expect I shall have more and more unique experiences to share in the days and years to come. But my resolve is hardened and I intend to be as visible as possible.

And this tale is going to explain why that visibility is such an important issue for me.

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16 Years ago I was a senior in high school. At my school each senior was required to complete a capstone project, this could be a business venture, learning or refining a skill, creating something unique, contributing to the community, the options were pretty limitless. Paranormal investigating, radio broadcasting, and some great community initiatives were some of the highlights from my graduating class.

For my project, I decided to reach out to a local Female Impersonation Troupe that I had sung some Broadway songs as an in-between act for on occasion. I told them I wanted to learn more about what really went into producing one of their shows, from start to finish, the back office, the ticket sales, EVERYTHING! Everyone always had such a wonderful time, all proceeds went to charity, and it was just a great group of individuals and I thought it was the perfect blend of of community and fun.

Well perhaps I was not clear enough when I reached out about my intent, as when I visited their house to start learning, they were prepared with a wig, multiple dresses, jewelry and makeup specifically for me, and they were ready to teach me the art of female impersonation.

As an awkward (undiaganosed at the time) AuDHDer who does not do conflict, I didn’t correct them, I quickly pivoted in my mind and said, well I’ve always been a talented actor, what better test of my skills than to become the opposite gender!

I became an eager student, and while I never learned to walk confidently in stilettos, I did develop my female persona of “Jade” into a character that was uniquely mine and had an absolute blast performing in a number of shows.

Thank you so much to my mother for fishing out this photo. Is it bad that I remember the song entirely because of the dress? “Jesus, Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood. I loved that little sequin number more than I should have (but there were no signs I was trans).

When you do something you love, there is an energy within you. A power that drives you forward. When I would act, I felt that energy, from the moment I set foot on the stage to the final curtain call, I was in heaven. When I performed as Jade, I felt this same energy, yet the timing was different. It began when I saw myself in the mirror after my makeup and first costume were done, well BEFORE going on stage, and it lasted up until removing the makeup. It did not survive me changing into a plain white t-shirt for our final curtain call and “reveal”.

I didn’t understand it at the time, I chalked it up to “Well I’m a straight white teenager doing drag, who wouldn’t feel a little awkward on stage with geriatric career drag queens.”

It wasn’t until years later I recognized that was my first exploration of my own gender, and because I did not have a name for it, because there was no one visible I could see to help me navigate what I was feeling, because I simply attributed it to my love of theater, that piece of me was forgotten.

When it was shared that I did that in my past, I was ridiculed, so I stopped sharing. Further forgetting and locking away that piece of me that was ready to break free at least by 2011.

I could and probably will write more about my experience with female impersonation/drag at a later date, but today I really want to focus on the topic of visibility

Because in the audience for a few of the shows was an incredibly important person in my life, my step-brother, who at the time also did not recognize they were trans.

He started his transition before me, and being entirely honest, him being visible with his experience helped give me the confidence to take my own first steps. I expressed my gratitude to him at a later date, sharing how his visibility really helped me accept myself and feel safe and confident to begin my own journey.

Imagine my shock when he quickly returned that gratitude expressing how seeing me perform in drag all those years ago helped him begin to explore his own gender, as while he has ALWAYS been a RuPaul guy, he never knew anyone personally who performed and so it remained in that borderline-taboo space of the early 2000s. My performing as well as my capstone presentation highlighting how female impersonation is primarily an artform but is also a common form of gender exploration helped him accept himself and begin his journey.

16 years ago by doing something new and unexpected I inspired someone I never would have expected to. That same person then inspiring me a few years ago… There’s really no way to describe it as anything but magic.

The events obviously are not mutually exclusive, I’m sure we both would have come to our respective conclusions eventually. But the fact that both of us unknowingly provided that magical assist for each other simply by being visible is the reason why I intend to keep writing, keep crafting and keep taking up space as long as I am privileged to do so.

That said, anyone living in a less regressive country looking for a girlfriend/wife? Looping between anger, sadness and fear is getting tiring. Inbox is that way (only half joking)

Stay magical friends, I promise more spells and blessings are coming, last week was just…. well May 6th, 1933, and anything I put out would certainly have been tainted.